I don’t know about your life, but I never had a Norman Rockwell anything. Well I take that back…I share his Americana ideal of what I want for myself, my family and for everyone else on the planet. Id like everyone to be seated around the gratitude table of earned abundance… everyone welcome.
Have you ever seen one of those fashion magazines that are two magazines in one? One side has one cover and half of it has one theme but if you flipped it over and turned it upside down it has a completely different cover and half of it has another theme.
I feel like thats my life. If I told you the horror story of my life… sexually abused in first grade then repeatedly fo the decades after… a runaway living on the street, eating out of dumpsters or what I stole out of corner stores…strangled to unconsciousness… beaten… raped numerous times…sex trafficked…malnutritioned to the point that I stopped having a period… repeatedly betrayed, abandoned, bullied… mental illness PTSD, night terrors, debilitating panic attacks…
Its worse than any lifetime channel episode and made me laugh at the movie “ya ya sisterhood… Im like, “Really?! Honey you got it made!”
OR
I could tell the story of survival and countless victories! How is it that I was able to get so much great therapy? ( not all it was great or even legal but we are focusing on the good side here) I attended Landmark, Hoffman, The Meadows survivors weekend, rebirthing, Gestalt, energy, NLP, EMDR, art, group, breathing/Gay hendricks, Transendental meditation, Unity Village, Ram Dass, Wayne Dyer ( many times) Marrianne Williamson… went to Glastonbury on a spiritual pilgrimage and rolled my naked body around in the stream of the Chalice Well and walked on fire at the base of the TOR….
I have hot air ballooned over the maine woods, white river rafted though the “Magic rapid” on the dead I’ve up at the forks, I climbed Mount SI in Washington State, swan with the dolphins in Jamaica, snorkeled the reef in Mexico, jumped of the cliff and paraglided Torrey Pines in San Diego, I jumped off the cliff and after the Royal Gorge in Colorado, I flew in a glide plane over Acadia national park peek fall foliage, I have sailed a 47 ft 1986 gulf star from Geoge Town Bahamas to Turks & Caicos, Ive rides horseback on the beach on Montauk, bungee jumped in KCMO, helicopter though the Grand Canyon, pulled a plane fo MS (awarded fo the most $ aired by an individual), flew a plane, ran a marathon, competed in bodybuilding (placed , performed in a lead role in a play, Ive given an 18 wheeler, Ive made a 6 figure income, Ive had success with the “Portland Boxer Babes”, The Deering HS community performance “It Could Happen To You”, a half dozen Issues That Matter cable shows cohost beside Robert Piccone. Ive been on TV and radio and newspapers. Ive spoken to about 3000 people across Maine and participated on a half dozen panels. Ive gathered books and toys for children and winter coats fo the elderly.
Wow I didn’t mean to go off like that about all the good stuff. I could’ve go on longer. How cool is that?
But all that stuff isn’t what I am most grateful for. My beloved husband and favorite daughter… favorite son, grandchildren… my fur baby dogs… my home…car… clothes…shoes…
ya, nope.
What I am MOST grateful for is the thing in my brain … that has allowed me to have blind faith in good. In possibility. To dare believe in HOPE. Because without that, seed of hope, nothing could have ever gown in me. With hope I was able to multiply my seeds and receive a harvest of good after decades of tending to my inner garden … the way I think…behave…react…respond…
Believing my reality could change fo the good was key.
My hardest struggle was believing that my own sick mind could change could change. I believed that if my life would only heal by my own mind…I was in deep trouble and my odds wee not good.
I learned to skill to see more and more how the Universe was conspiring for me greatest good and constantly giving me the data and support I needed… like… when the shrink told me that I was not allowing room in my “change you mind change my life equation” for GRACE. For miracles.
I am hesitant to wave some had Core Christian flag… I choose to think that God is male female energy as real and powerful and logical as gravity and audio waves… the color spectrum of any given rainbow…
The power of attraction is as real as an apple tree making apples, birds flying south/north, bees pollenating flowers and chipmunk gathering nuts…
I believe my healing and the creation of my nearly perfect life is because of my mind, and GRACE.
I believe my ability to believe sort of tuned me in or aligned my energy with the universal energy ( as real as gravity) to the highest and best I can become. Lifting me and my life up only as fast as I was capable. Like a thermostat in you house can go from 50 degrees to 70 without going to 51-52-53-54-55-56… As I raised my mind, the Universe lifted my energy which lifted my life…
I am naturally a glass half empty, catastrophizing, what if, worst case senerio kinda girl. It was and often is a real challenge to focus my minds eye on what is good, beautiful, kind, loving in the world. To challenge my thoughts with “What else could this mean” (besides the awful story I always make up)
It is this ability that was a tiny glowing spark like a single grain of sand on a beach of sand… each grain of sand representing the worst of humanity that I endured first hand. I have a beach of memories of my own TRUTH about the horrors of human beings. My voices whisper worst case scenarios from experience and protection. Telling me, understandably, to never trust a human being…. and life is pain and awful and not worth living…
What else could it mean?
Wounded people wounded me.
My future need not mirror my past.
I can heal.
I can bloom and help others do the same.
I have a divine purpose.
I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
I am a precious wild rose, wanted, adored by LOVE
I have a tribe of energy around me… I can feel them. I am confident in this support.
If, like JOB ( a guy in a bible story) I lost everything… I would still have what I had so long ago… just this single ability… the ability to believe in hope in spite of all the reasons why I should not.
I am thankful for the one thing that saved my life and gave me the ability to create the life I enjoy so much today…
HOPE. I believe in LOVE.
I believe in you!
Love always,
Catherine