Dead Horses Don’t mMove No Matter How Hard You Beat Them
I was working with a young woman who has very high anxiety, extreme” what if” thinking, and life threatening fears abounded. I had high hopes for her because, unlike seemingly most of her support team, I had shared her level of panic and fears at some point in my life. I really believed I could help…a lot. After many months and countless hours of coaching, one day we spent a long two hours together in the midst of her panic, and I suddenly realized something. She took ZERO responsibility. EVERYTHING was someone else’s fault. Even if she was caught red handed, she only did it because of someone else. Not only couldn’t she allow herself to imagine a life on her own as a fully functioning young adult, she DIDN’T WANT TO. BOOM! There it was. Walk away, Catherine. It’s over. Flat line. Move on to who your investment will matter.
I felt sick, and, emotionally, I closed the door.
I don’t believe in hopelessness. I’ve seen and experienced too many miracles to ever give up on hope. I don’t care how bad it is or what some expert has to say. If you have faith and hope, you can work even the slightest bit towards your goal. I choose to believe that in most cases, it can happen. On the other side of the coin, no matter how much someone has going for them, if they believe they simply cannot do something, either because they truly believe they can’t, or they just don’t want to –it’s over. Let the sexy, voluptuous lady sing. It’s done.
We have all heard the saying: “If you think you can or think you can’t, you’re probably right”. If you have the mind that automatically goes to what is the worst thing that can happen, or what’s wrong, BUT you are WILLING to learn how to reprogram your mind to look for solutions and what’s right, there is hope. (See movie, “What the Bleep Do You Know”). Where there is hope, possibility lives!
Nice speech, Dear Abby, but what about biology and nutrition and cognitive behavior? Sigh. I wish every human being could go see Dr. Amen for a brain scan and Dr. Mark Hyman for nutritional guidelines and Dr. Oz for the latest on personalized health assessment and recommendations, and the fabulous Valentino for a classy elegant wardrobe, and authenticity lessons from Queen Latifa and Jenny McCarthy, and Empowerment from Tony Robbins, and Byran Katie for the 4 questions, and, and, and…
Nothing will EVER, EVER, EVER work if you don’t take personal responsibility for yourself. “Someone’s” son- in- law, prefers to “show her” by not paying child support. He totally doesn’t comprehend that he is only hurting the children. His resentment is toxic. It begs the question, “What if someone’s brain doesn’t have the juice to comprehend self-responsibility?” What then, Smarty Pants?!
I don’t know. Wish I did. Life is hard enough for those of us who are fully present to their own amnesia and shadow dance. Truly. Cut bait, and run. Wasting time beating a dead horse doesn’t make sense. There is so much that can be done, somewhere else. Darwin. Word.
All I can say is to keep a vigilant eye on your own tendency to blame and deflect. Stand guard, Baby, and nip those weeds in the bud. Seriously.
There are certainly “biology” and “nurture” aspects of thought tendency, but there are also effective tools/skills to reroute thought=action=results=happier life. One tool I like to use is a gratitude journal to record good things that happened that day right before I go to sleep. I also use little games like asking others, “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” As a child, I couldn’t wait to report the worst thing that happened. I rerouted that old way of thinking.
It can be done.
One of my favorite all time songs by Etta James: “A Change Is Gonna Come. I was born by the river in a little tent. And just like that river I’ve been a running ever since. It’s been a longgggg long time a comin but I KNOW a change is gonna come.”
Believe it, Baby! Believe and take action.