I am an athlete of body, mind and spirit. I am passionate and tenacious about fulfilling my life purpose and evolving into the person I am capable of being. I am on a mission of lovingly healing/ removing whatever is in me that is blocking me from that evolution. I have a unique story and gift to share that will save children from sexual abuse. I will not to allow my own self doubt and fears to block the flow of Love’s infinite absolute powerl. I am the Lorax.
Four days ago, I competed in the Worlds Body Building Competition WNBF/INBF in Boston. One of the bigwigs texted me yesterday asking if “my accomplishment has set in yet?” Nope. Exhaustion has. I need to rest, refuel and resume my course. Yes, I am proud of my accomplishment, of owning my body, my power, my fitness, exercising my strength and my will! Yes, I am also feeling overwhelmed…swimming upstream…crying for no apparent reason… feeling. I want to embody and represent a healed victim at 50 years – happily living in her own skin – this is what it can look like! To show others that we need not be a victims… hiding behind fat as protection or starvation in hopes of being invisible… existing on medications, darkness, shame, and 
endless distractions from feeling… from healing. As survivors I believe it is our destiny to heal and embody the gifts that only come from surviving what we have survived! It can make us so much stronger and in tune with life.
When I was doing triathlons I didn’t stop in-between the swim and the bike or the bike and the run and bask in what I just did. No. I said to myself…ok thats done, NEXT! And put all my focus on the next section of the race.
My goal for bikini competition was to place in the top THREE. To me the points for the top three are so close that to me, they are all #1. Thats how I see it. So… I won! 3rd place… wahoo. Goal met. NEXT!
I am speaking to a Maine Military Unit December 2 about surviving, and thriving post trauma, or sex abuse – my life’s work. Then I depart for Florida and my “Date with Destiny” – 5 days intense immersion withmy favorite teacher, Tony Robbins. My mind is on being the most effective educator and motivator possible to those soldiers! At Date With Destiny, I have two goals for this event…
I ask myself this question all the time: How can someone like me (knowing all my weaknesses and strengths) save the most number of children from sexual abuse?
I am a great story teller. I have an amazing true life story that clearly shows evidence to my proclamations about the snowball effect of child sexual abuse throughout a lifetime… the genesis to the global dark plague that is becoming so clear now with #METOO … its just the tip of the titanic iceberg.
I believe that our global humanity will rise and become the abolitionists we are when we fully acknowledge the whole truth of this epidemic. We like to stand with the underdog and WIN, don’t we? There is no greater underdog than the vulnerable children. The consequences are far more hideous than cancer, MS, heart disease, autism… combined. None of these contaminate generations while goigng completely ignored or unspoken. And yet none is so easily cured than this… Stop Having Sex with Children. TaDa. Within 3 generations we can be healed. But how to turn the dial on a societal norm? Strategic education.
My goal: Using my home state of Maine as the beta, I have a 12 month plan of surveys and PSA’s. By Maine people for Maine people. Lobster men, artists, farmers, local business and sports, game wardens, coast guard, boat makers and dog walkers… united in agreement… all children are OUR children. They must be protected and nurtured. It is NOT ok to have sex with children! PSAs to match every humane society and Saint Jude ad … as captivating as the Super Bowl commercials…with the sticking power of the the Indians tear…
My intention is to ask Tony Robbins and his people to funf this epic 12 month program and with its success, roll it out to every state in the United States to follow suit.
My personal weakest link: There is a place in me that believes I am utterly socially unacceptable. I am a weirdo. I would welcome the chance to live on the island of misfit toys because at least there I would have a daily tribe of friends. I feel like the people I want to want me…dont want me because I am to weird, broken, misfit. My husband says I’m “overwhelming, verbose.” Sometimes I feel for him because I’m not the kind of wife who is good at cooking, decorating, balancing checkbooks, sewing, gardening or getting all made up everyday. I have terrific friends in my life but I often feel a distance between us. I think thats me, not them. Human beings hurt and I think I have a push pull with people. I want them in my inner circle but keep them at arms length so they can’t hurt me. I see people not jumping in to help me with projects as a reflection of my value. I still feel like the kid being bullied daily in elementary school. I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not to gain friends or invitations. I am myself and live with the consequences of that authentic being. If that makes sense….
It is my tug of war alllllll the time.
I’ve been told over and over… don’t post bikini competition pictures on your social media. Don’t use curse words. Don’t post to many posts in a day. Don’t be so graphic. I wonder if people see me like a train wreck slo mo… you don’t want to watch but you can’t help yourself. It seems I have a lot of “watchers”. I would think that other advocate teams would want me on their team. But I am clearly not wanted. I take it personally. I take everything personally. My core belief is that I am burden and unworthy…so my eyes see that which I believe and expect to see. So afraid my husband will leave me. That I will fail to reach my goals. That I will be a burden to my family & friends.
I believe I know how to make myself acceptable, I just don’t want to because I wouldn’t be myself. My self overposts. My self is wild and eccentric. Myself is flamboyant. I like myself. I crack myself up with the crazy shit I do and wear. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone and unwanted. I lay in bed sometimes and imagine a loving God kissing my forehead… speaking words of loving adoration to me. Telling me I am exactly the way I am supposed to be. I am precious. Wanted. Loved. Valued and I have a very important purpose to fulfill! I usually cry when I do this exercise because I need it. Everyone wants to feel loved. I want to be able to give it to myself so Im not so disappointed by other. I wok hard at having no expectations of others but Im human and I still do… anyway…
Thoughts like these remind me of the horse called Atayu in the swamp of sadness from the movie “The Never-ending Story”. You can stay and sink or you can keep moving forward.
So when I have bouts of negative self talk… I ask myself “What else could this mean?”How do I behave when I believe this… how would I behave if I believed something else?
So I am a survivor THIVER! I am a trophy winning athlete. I wear hot pink tutus. And repel down high cliffs in a super hero outfit to remind people to save themselves!
I am a work in progress. God knows. I am a sailboat in the middle of the windy lake of life with my goal in sight… constantly adjusting my sails and occasionally stuck in the fogs of self doubt… I am insecure and eclectic. But I’m in my boat. I am IN MY life. In my skin. In my mind (such as it is). And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else!
Wherever you are on your own path… BE. Stop and take it all in. Crack yourself up. Set crazy impossible goals. Be your own super hero.
Hopefully this isn’t so long that you too, like Charlie , are thinking, I am verbose and overwhelming…
I want to leave you with an ask. In 12 days I am going to be with 4,000 at “Date With Destiny”. Would you please hold me and this experience in your heart and believe that miracles are going to happen there? That I will get everything and more to save as many children as possible from sexual abuse!
I believe in you!
Love always,
Catherine