When trauma happens within the family, it messes with our ability to trust, to create and maintain healthy boundaries, leave abusive relationships immediately, choose healthy partners, be a healthy partner, be successfully relational, etc.
There seems to be a lot of painful relationship stuff going on right now with my peeps. Harville Hendrix is awesome. He has been on Oprah 18 times. She calls him the marriage whisperer.
What we focus on grows. It’s a universal law, so instead of focusing on what we don’t have, how the other person isn’t meeting our needs, blah blah blah…how about: how can I grow? What is behind what I am currently accepting and tolerating in my life? What and who we attract to us and accept is a mirror reflection of our self value. What we deep down believe we are worth.
Historically, I attracted and stayed with people who were not nearly invested or interested in making me a priority, like I “said” I wanted in a relationship. Almost all of my relationships were a rebound. They were newly single, broken, needy, and I would save them. I would love them and they would be SO grateful that they would give me all the love and protection that I wanted my dad to give me as a child. But nooooooooo, they were never going to be hurt like they just were in their past relationship again, so they kept me at bay.
The codependent love addict in me just loved that!
I was very comfortable with being treated like a second class citizen because I believed I was one, and begging for love and affection seemed like what I deserved. Right?!
I even chose a couple of men who didn’t like sex (Yes! Hello, they really do exist). Now, let me tell you that it will destroy any unhealthy girl’s sense of worth like nothing else. There’s nothing like begging for sex (loser) and if you say yes to outside sex, you are just fulfilling your “whore” status, until you grow up, then it’s “No, thank you, I’ll take care of it myself and work on healing myself for at least a year.”
Relationships are the best place to really see what you believe about your worth – to see where your boo-boos are.
So you can heal them! There is great opportunity here! Seriously!
No need for life changing expensive painful choices right this minute.
Step back. Focus on you. Study relationships. Learn. Grow.
I believe in you…and you…and you..and you.
Yeah, a lot of pending divorces happening right now.
Stop. Take a minute, or six months.
The grass is not greener people, same shit, different yard.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Learn grasshoppers. Learn.
Love,
Catherine