Lesbians taught me how to be a woman.
I was sexual with girls in the 4th grade. Sexuality was wide open and totally accepted in my world. Playboy was on the coffee table. I was born in 1964 so when I was growing up in the 70’s, nudity and sexuality, female rights…were all in high gear. The older I got the more pressure there was on women to leave their homes and go to work whether they finally needed to or not…if only to support the other women who did need to. I felt no shame in being sexual with my neighborhood peers.
Donna did feel shame.
The youngest in her family. Her older sister a year or two older than us, seemingly had a pose’ of thugs around her at all times. Donna was in the bottom three of the shortest kids in the school. Schools in Florida were huge. I was also in that short 3. So was Grace. Donna hid the problems from her alcoholism infected home life with a cocky attitude and all the coolest clothes her fathers “go away” money could buy. Like something from the “breakfast club” , Donna and her sister looked cool and dangerous. NOT to be messed with. The two of them defended their position like a prison gang. Because I was sexual with Donna, and she feared being found out…I was put on the black list to quickly discredit me incase I talked. Donna simply couldn’t risk it. I was bullied beyond belief for years. 5th grade I started skipping school…by 7th I was going less and less, I think I went to some of 8th but stopped all together before the year was over.
I wanted so much to be loved and accepted by both sex, I was willing to give what little I had to offered. As I grew up and experimented, I found that there was never anything mind blowing about sex for me in either case. It was never like what I read about in my dads penthouse magazine (forum). I was used to make peoples sexual fantasy come true and I made sure I was their best as to ensure I would be remembered. It was a way I tried to prove value for my existence. But my fantasy was never fulfilled. I gave my best performance and received my award but there was always something missing. I imagined if maybe I could find it in another woman. Not the threesome kinda women because it wasn’t there. But maybe women who really love other women…women.
I met a lesbian once. I was working at a strip club. She was a massage therapist at the Ritz Carlton. But she was wicked jealous and protective so didn’t introduce me to her friends and the sex was far from what I imagined. Dead end. a year-is later I tried again to make my way into the village of the local lesbian community…
Sherry, conservative, TOP came home with me one night, Quick hit. I did something I had never done before, I pretended I was someone else to see if the result would be different. That weekend I went by myself to a (non swinging) nudist resort. I rented a cabin and played naked volleyball and learned running skills from an 80 year old marathon runner. I got a call from Sherry inviting me to a annual lesbian party at a lake house…. just the opportunity I hoped for! I left the camp so fast I may not have gotten dressed first 🙂
The party was held at a private lake, huge magazine worthy designer home and the place was packed with very successful lesbians in their 30-40’s. Professional, classy, fun loving… I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was the new party toy and asked to get on the scale since they were all guessing my weight: 103 lbs.
Of all the women their I liked Kathy the most. She was the most entertaining, fun, gregarious and cool. She was just groovy. She wasn’t the prettiest or best body… she just oozed sexuality and made us all laugh! Sherry got a call from a better perspective asking for Sherry to pick her up at the airport… Sherry asked Kathy to give me a ride home. She agreed.
Kathy was single but had a room mate who she had been sexual with but no strings. All day long we all partied on the pontoon boat buzzing all over the lake. Kathy and I talked for hours. She was so cool. These ladies were doctors and lawyers… sooner or later they were going to ask what I did for a living… I don’t remember the lie I gave.
My husband left me for another woman. The boyfriend I met after, beat me up. In my escape I sent all my stuff via COD and started stripping to pay for a place to live, a car, and my things. It was honest money using all I thought I had to offer. One lap dance, $10/20 a song. Somewhere between 18-35 songs a night, I avg $350 a night. I worked 4-5 nights a week. Never weekends aka amateur night… the night guys who aren’t cool come out to abuse. Weeknight= lonely men who needed to be heard more than copping a feel. I felt sorry for them but I was kinda over men.
Kathy’s roommate got a sudden intense headache and was ready to leave so they could drop me off asap. Too late for her… I had my sights on Kathy. I had a 100% success rate of getting who I wanted. And I wanted her.
Kathy and Roommate in the front seats. Kathy driving. On the way, the radio played Bonnie Raitt singing “Lets give’m something to talk about”. Our eyes met in the rear view mirror as we sang to each other. Game on.
As she pulled up to the loft Kathy said she was curious about how this old part of town turned into lofts, condos etc… I invited her to come look around, for a tour . Roomy pleaded her headache but Kathy pushed on and roomy begrudgingly followed. I showed the workout room, community room, at the hot tub Kathy reached to feel the water and said, “Wow this is hot!”… I said, “Not as hot as YOU”. BOOM!
Roomy insisted on a expedited exit. We said our good byes.
Isn’t the chase fun?! (when its working)
Soon Kathy and I were living together. As usual I was not accepted on my own merit but tolerated because of the love this group had for Kathy. Kathy’s own family…Mother, Father, Sister, Brother-in-law…also…but barely…tolerated me as well. It was bad enough Kathy was a lesbian but to have “her/me” as a partner…WOW No thank you!
I understood, totally.
Kathy, years later, admitted she chose me because I was an easy read. No one would be surprised if I cheated…in fact she expected and anticipated it from me. Her previous relationships never made it past 2 years and each one, cheated. And these were fine upstanding women in the community. But a 103lb stripper with a past? I was a sure thing… I would def be a low life… But I didn’t cheat. I stayed 4 years and never cheated. NOT what everyone expected. I never did fit well in a box.
I learned a lot of lessons in that 4 years.
*Money doesn’t buy class, you either have it or you don’t.
*People dont choose their sexual preference, you are in fact born with it. Its not a disease to be cured.
*I like men with a strong female side, I like women with a strong masculine side.
*Nothing and no one can fill the blackhole in us, but ourselves.
*To be accepted by other females, make eye contact with them and give them 3/4 of the attention if males are present.
*Sometimes well educated people are emotionally immature.
*Sometimes un-formaly educated people are wicked smaht.
*Groups that have been prejudiced against can be equally pejudiced against others (which blew my mind)
*Femininity and masculinity are energy NOT genitals.
*Femininity (energy) and masculinity (energy) together make the best relationships
*Walmart is homophobic
*The grass is not greener… there is no geographical, sexual, or otherwise “cure” for your shitty life except YOU getting YOUR OWN shit together wherever you are. Because wherever you go… there YOU are! And since you create your reality/world…your going to recreate it over and over until you heal/change. Period.
*I am capable of domestic violence. Twice, I slapped Kathy.
*Never let someones jealousy of your children prevent you from following your own heart i.e. taking as long as you damn well please to tuck your children into bed.
*No one will accept your sexuality… or anything else…if you don’t
Having striped for straight men and gay women… they were equally “pigs”. Its not about gender. One woman was kicked out of the club for inappropriate behavior.
*We are all the same. We are all the same. We are all the same.
*Nothing is as sexy as self confidence, humility, generosity, kindness, honesty
*Masculinity can be more visually stimulated, femininity is more relationally… i.e. you can look hot and try to seduce a fem and get nowhere… you can dress down and have a good conversation and go everywhere… i.e. I tried to use the same seducing skills at a gay bar and left empty handed every time. Went in looking like crap and just enjoyed conversation and they were on me like white on white rice! Very interesting to this ex connoisseur of seduction.
*Men claim to want sex every day. You give it to them and sooner (6 months) or later (12 months) they win down to 1-2 x a week. A women may act not interested but the more emotionally connected you become the better/more frequent/more intimate the love making becomes.
*I have had Christian men not want to date me because I have been in relationship w a woman. And clearly told me so.
*Women on women sex isn’t better than or less than sex with anyone else… its about love not genitals. The more love, the better the sex regardless of anything else.
*Even gay families don’t want someone like me to be with their daughter/sister!
Like many people before and after Kathy… families were never “thrilled” to have me as their own. At the end… Kathy’s sister threaten repeatedly to have me professionally killed. No, Im not kidding.
Interestingly, I have great feeling for and from each of my partners. I loved them. I learned valuable lessons that made me who I am today. Kathy will always hold a special place in my heart. I only knew how to be a concubine prior to her… I knew how to be a christian wife and home maker. As a divorced woman I reverted back to the 17 year old before I got married. I knew how to use my body to survive. I was alone and dent know how to be a independent woman. The lesbian community taught me how to be the woman I wanted to be… they taught me what a female community looked like. i miss those years of a strong, tight, supportive, proactive female support friendship. Doctors, lawyers, OT’s, nashville singers, executives… brilliant healthy fun loving women getting together for “Soul Sundays” ie potluck breakfasts and hiking, dancing, concerts… I really MISS that. I miss Kathys cooking. Oh she made me laugh! Cocktail in one hand, cigarette in the other… walks in the bar and will a shit eating grin and confidence for days she says…as she scans the room… “Who’s the lucky girl whose gonna come home with me tonight?!!” LOL LOVE IT! Pure Italian, she could throw a dinner party that would impress Martha Stewart. Loyal, hard worker, tenacious, funny as hell. Beautiful Soul. What a privilege to be in her world for as long as I was. Truly.
This year she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was bad… spread to the lymph nodes. I wanted to go to her… move in for as long as it took and take care of her like she would have done for me. I knew her family may not be cool with it… she has a very devoted loving family and a huge group of friends, I knew she would be well cared for…she asked me not to come. I understood. But I would have in a heart beat. She is in remission now thank God and I look forward to seeing her again.
Living in the lesbian world for 4 years taught me how to be a woman, experience a being a part of a female tribe… what female support and friendship can be… This was a pivotal time in my life. She was so supportive of my healing.
In that safe supportive environment I was free to feel release my pain and my panic attacks intensified. At one point I was 89 lbs at 5 ft tall. She took such great care of me… You know each mile stone of healing was vital but this 4 year block seems so much more so. I wish every female could experience what I did so we could all know its possible, and make it so.
Love, Catherine
Love